Many of my clients have been badly hurt by being labelled as “narcissistic” or “selfish” due to behaviors that, upon deeper inspection, reveal a completely different story. In many cases the extreme sensitivity of highly sensitive individuals to both physical sensations and to intensely emotional situations can lead them into a state of overwhelm where they can only think about their own bodily sensations and negative emotions.

Narcissism can exist as a personality trait in varying degrees within the general population. When these traits become extreme and impair a person's ability to function and relate to others, it may be diagnosed as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

As a personality trait, narcissism refers to a characteristic pattern of behaviors, attitudes, and feelings.  The main characteristics of a narcissist are excessive self-love, a need for admiration, and lack of empathy for others. Narcissism is divided into two main types: insecure and grandiose narcissism. Insecure narcissism involves feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and a constant need for validation and attention from others. Grandiose narcissism is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a strong desire for power and success, and a tendency to exploit or disregard others' feelings to achieve personal goals.

People with narcissistic personality traits may exhibit some or all of these behaviors but, according to the American Psychiatric Association (1), less than 6.3% met the clinical criteria for a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a diagnosed mental disorder. People with NPD often have a sense of entitlement, seek excessive attention and admiration, and can be exploitative or arrogant. In the case of diagnosed NPD, the behaviors, attitudes and feelings are so severe that individuals with the disorder have major difficulty functioning in daily life and relationships.

HSPs have a unique sensitivity to physical sensations, ones that might go unnoticed by less sensitive individuals. Imagine a world where ordinary things—like loud noises, strong tastes, or bright lights—overwhelm your experience. For HSPs, these sensations can cause discomfort or distraction, making it tough to focus on those around them. Their empathic radar is highly tuned to subtle emotional cues, enabling them to notice nuances others miss. Something as simple as a faint frown, hardly noticeable to most, can set off a storm of thoughts and feelings in an HSP, often mistaken as someone being upset with them.

It's vital to realize that what appears as selfishness or self-centeredness in HSPs might be an unintended outcome of their heightened sensitivity, not a deliberate disregard for others' feelings. Indeed, their empathic nature often makes them so aware of others’ emotional states that they are unable to focus on anything other than their own discomfort.

When we explore Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs), it becomes clear that their distinct qualities go beyond just sensitivity to sensory and emotional experiences. Recent research using brain scanning techniques has revealed intriguing dynamics within the brains of HSPs. They exhibit  many connections between the nerves in their default mode network. The default mode network is a network of connected brain areas, together responsible for self-generated behaviours such as planning for the future, and contemplating life goals (Andrews-Hanna, 2014). The abundance of connections in the default mode network can a lead to a continuous stream of thoughts focused on oneself. This constant inner dialogue might inadvertently overshadow interactions with others, resulting in misunderstandings of perceived selfishness.

Think about a friend who genuinely tries to connect but tends to dominate conversations with their own plans and disappointments. Researchers suggest that individuals with a highly active default mode network might find their internal thoughts overpowering, inadvertently taking center stage over external interactions.

Contributing factors that experts believe may play a role in the development of Narcissistic Personality Disorder include excessive pampering or neglect, overvaluation or devaluation by caregivers, excessive criticism or lack of boundaries during upbringing, as well as high parental control and inconsistent parenting practices may influence the development of narcissistic traits.  (2)(3).  

The following is my hypothesis of how parental fears manifesting as controlling behavior could lead a highly sensitive parent to perceive their sensitive child as “narcissistic” or “selfish.”

Since high sensitivity is inherited, at least one parent of an HSP is also highly sensitive. Highly sensitive parents find parenting more difficult. When parenting an adolescent, HSP parents are more controlling and more psychologically intrusive, and more anxiously attached (concerned that people, including possibly their child, may not love them). A parent who is very worried about their adolescent’s behavior, yet at the same time concerned that their child may not love them enough, could easily interpret the adolescent’s wanting to stay out late as a sign of disrespect, “selfishness” or “narcissism”.

A controlling parent, especially one whose control is inconsistent, can contribute to vulnerable narcissism i.e. feelings of inadequacy that the child tries to overcome by acting as if they are superior to others. One possible reaction of a child to being controlled is to try and take back control (4). In this way, a controlled child can become a controlling parent themselves, and the cycle continues on down through the generations.

Understanding the origins, complexities, and interactions at play in the relationships between HSPs and the rest of the world is pivotal in nurturing understanding and breaking the cycle of perceiving HSPs as “selfish” and “narcissistic”.

 I’d love to hear what you think. Let me know in the comments below.

(1)   American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.).

(2)   Sedikides, C. (2021). In search of narcissus. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 25(1), 67-80.

(3)   Horton, R. S. (2011). Parenting as a cause of narcissism: Empirical support for psychodynamic and social learning theories. The handbook of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder: Theoretical approaches, empirical findings, and treatments, 181-190.

(4)   Horton, R. S., & Tritch, T. (2014). Clarifying the links between grandiose narcissism and parenting. The Journal of Psychology, 148(2), 133-143.