Spend time in your happy place.
Photo by Joel Holland on Unsplash.
Ah, the dog days of summer. It is the period between early July and early September when the hot sultry weather of summer usually occurs in the northern hemisphere. It is a time for lying in a meadow full of flowers staring up at the clouds. Yet I would bet that very few HSPs have spent any time recently just lazing around. Summer is the best time for it. The pace of work generally slows down. Most people are on holiday, but not us. So why not?
Many HSPs carry the following belief from childhood:
I have to please other people in order to be loved/accepted.
Was being accepted as a child dependent on doing what your caregiver(s) wanted?
Were you always the “good” child, the “smart one”, the “responsible one”?
Did your parents need you to be that child?
As Highly Sensitive Persons ( HSPs ), our empathy leads us to notice and feel others’ emotions as if they were our own. It is called “inclusion of other in the self” and happens most intensely with those people to whom we are the closest. When we were very young, our very survival depended on pleasing our caregivers. As very observant HSP children, we noticed every expression of displeasure from our parents. We learned to please very quickly, and we stored that in our memories very intensely. So now, we have a very firmly rooted template for how to act around people that are important to us. We spend our time pleasing others and not ourselves. It leaves us burned out and resentful, and at risk of serious illness. Our memory still thinks we are totally helpless and dependent. It doesn’t realize time has gone by since this template was originally stored.
When your memory plays this trick on you, you can tell yourself ….
That was then and this is now.
To help you see the difference between then and now, make a list of all the things people you try to please provide you with. Perhaps your list includes Money, Love and Attention.
Now make a list of how you have/can provide these things for yourself. Perhaps your list includes…
Money (have you traded oodles of money for an amount that gives you the freedom to be true to your values)
Self-Love (can you be proud of your strengths, e.g. your ability to self-reflect )
Attention (can you pay attention to yourself through self-care)
You may notice that you are perfectly capable of providing yourself with the things you truly need. You may not have as much money, as much love, or as much attention as you would like, but that is another issue.
Now take some of the time you have devoted to people-pleasing, and enjoy an entire day to yourself!
If you would like to stop people-pleasing, I offer a free one-time virtual chat to help us get to know each other and see how I can help.