HSPs and the True Values of Christmas

The holiday season often serves as a time of reflection, connection, and celebration of the values that unite us as humans. Among these, honesty, transparency, and ethics hold a particularly special place, especially for highly sensitive people (HSPs). Rooted in empathy and a deep sense of integrity, we often approach life with a heightened awareness of how our actions impact others. These traits align beautifully with the enduring values associated with Christmas: goodwill, sincerity, and the pursuit of meaningful connections with the world around us.

Interestingly, the values that we hold dear all year round are often those that are highlighted as being key to ‘peace on earth’, ‘goodwill to men.’  For example, HSPs’ strong moral compass, empathy and compassion lead us to value honesty, transparency and acting ethically.  Our heightened empathy and deep processing of emotional and sensory information makes us acutely aware of ethical considerations in our interactions.

Additionally, the emphasis on goodwill and sincere connections during Christmas aligns with our desire for meaningful and authentic relationships. Our intrinsic sensitivity leads HSPs to place a high value on honesty and transparency, key factors in creating authentic and trust-based relationships. During the Christmas season, being open and honest in our interactions can strengthen bonds and enhance the sense of community. For HSPs, this openness is not just a seasonal ideal but a year-round commitment to living authentically. Honesty is a cornerstone of the Christmas spirit, allowing for genuine and heartfelt connections. HSPs, with our deep appreciation for sincerity, often find fulfillment in authentic exchanges. By leading with honesty, we enridh relationships and encourage others to do the same, embodying the true spirit of the season.

With love,

Jadzia Jagiellowicz

Chasing Beauty: Mindfulness for HSPs

            The little girl had just realized she was lost. She had followed her curiosity, this time onto an abandoned building lot. Just when it hit her that she didn’t know where she was, or how to find her way home, she looked up and there it was. Floating down towards her, ever so slowly. It looked softer than the finest down and was whiter than the wings of an angel. Every time she grasped for it, the breeze danced it just out of reach. She was running after it, tantalizingly close, when she glanced up again. The air was full of many more, spinning and swirling. She had never seen anything more wonderful. She had heard about manna from heaven. Could this be it?

            She followed one of the things to its source and found a long crinkled brown pod which had broken open. Attached to the pod, and layered in what looked like infinitesimally thin tissue paper, were zillions of tiny parachutes. Each had a brown flat scale on the bottom. When the breeze blew hard, it dislodged them, and they rose and swerved and swirled around her. She was so entranced that she forgot all about being lost and wanting to cry. She didn’t even hear the adults calling her. They found her chasing beauty, running wide-eyed and open-mouthed trying to catch the spinning milkweed fluff. 

            I was that little girl, and I’ve never stopped being mesmerized by the beauty and awe that surrounds me. It has kept me going through the death of a loved one, through anxiety and depression, through the rigours of graduate school, and through pain. It has kept me sane, but most of all, it has kept me happy. In the next few paragraphs, I will explain how Chasing Beauty relates to being a Highly Sensitive Person, link it to health and happiness, and help you to Chase Beauty in your own life.

What is Chasing Beauty?

            Chasing Beauty. It is what highly sensitive people do. Chasing Beauty goes by other names i.e.. Aesthetic Sense or AES, Mindfulness, Wonder and Awe. The Highly Sensitive Person ( HSP ) Scale measures three separate characteristic of high sensitivity. One characteristic is Aesthetic Sense ( AES ). Aesthetic Sense is the ability to notice, and feel awestruck about, the beauty in the world. People with a high Aesthetic Sense score are deeply moved by the arts or music, and notice and enjoy fine scents, tastes, sounds or works of art.  Aesthetic Sensitivity is a very positive aspect of high sensitivity. High Aesthetic Sense scores are associated with greater attention to details and better communication than low Aesthetic Sense scores. Individuals with high Aesthetic Sense also have great empathy (Acevedo et al., 2014, 2017, 2018). Since they also respond to the world with wonder and awe, they are able to find gratitude for simple things in their daily existence. These very positive qualities balance out and can often even override the overstimulation related to other characteristics of High Sensitivity.

            I’ve noticed that the higher a person scores in High Sensitivity in general, the more details they are able to observe about their environment, and consequently the higher they are in Chasing Beauty. This detailed level of observation can either lead HSPs to be very mindful (if they are calm and focussed), or very overwhelmed (if they are overstimulated). One of the by-products of being so focussed on the details of our environment is mindfulness. According to University of California’s Greater Good Science Center, mindfulness, among other factors, involves “Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our.... surrounding environment, through a gentle, nurturing lens. Being mindful leads to a “virtuous circle”. When we are more mindful, we are calmer, and when we are calmer, we notice more details and when we calmly notice more details we are more mindful …. Rehashing of the past or imagining a horrific future that makes the majority of people anxious and depressed. So, if our attention remains on the details we are noticing in the moment, we feel much more content.

            No matter what you call it, Chasing Beauty makes the difference between being happy and being unhappy. Dacher Keltner, a scientist at the University of California’s Greater Good Science Center even calls it a “pathway to mental and physical health”.  For example, high scores on Awe were associated with finding work more meaningful and having more control over work. Other studies found awe was associated with relief from PTSD. Awe is the positive emotion that most strongly predicts reduced levels of cytokines, a marker of inflammation that’s linked to depression, according to research from University of Toronto’s Jennifer Stellar. That suggests a possible role in health and healing, and may help explain the raft of recent studies that have linked exposure to nature with lower blood pressure, stronger immune systems and more.

            It is easy to see where Aesthetic Sense originates. Highly sensitive people’s brains take in more sensory information from their environment. I am a scientist and conducted a brain scanning experiment that suggested that, compared to less sensitive people,  Highly Sensitive people pay more attention to  visual information. They are also more finely tuned, which makes them more discriminating. A Highly sensitive person’s brain acts like that of a wine expert. The occasional wine drinker will easily taste the difference between a red a white and a rose, but the wine expert will notice subtler differences between the two, such as those in tannin content, acidity, and the body of the wine.

            Chasing Beauty is also associated with creativity. Picture the wild-haired artist who is so intent on creating that they work 24 hours straight without eating. In his autobiography, Keith Richards, lead guitarist of iconic rock band The Rolling Stones, writes that he once worked 9 days straight without sleeping. That feat was accomplished on drugs, but one of the reasons Richards gave for taking drugs was to be able to focus on the music to the exclusion of everything else. Once the HSP brain “sees” something through its senses, it needs to play with that information, to combine it with other information already in the brain in order to come up with something completely new. This is the definition of creativity. My  research (Jageillowicz et al., 2006) on Highly Sensitive Person reports that they are able to combine it with other information already in their brain. Their brains show more brain activity in areas that combine the information coming into the brain from the various senses. This allows more possible ways of putting the information together. In other words, greater creativity.

            From my observations of my HSP clients, I believe that the more highly sensitive someone is, the higher they are on Chasing Beauty (Aesthetic Sense). So, if Chasing Beauty doesn’t come as naturally as you wish it did, or if you would just like to get some more of this natural feel-good method, there are many practical things you can do. You don’t need a lot of time or money, just the ability to withstand a bit of social criticism at times.

How To Chase Beauty and Develop Wonder and Awe

            Chasing Beauty is best done alone. This way, you can focus on what is beautiful to you, without being influenced by other’s judgements of what is socially acceptable. If you find dung beetles beautiful and fascinating you need the opportunity to chase that beauty without being shamed for it.  For HSPs who score at the lower or mid-range of high sensitivity, i.e. 13 – 23, getting to this level of obliviousness to others’ judgements is, I feel, the most difficult part of Chasing Beauty. Extremely high HSPs  (24-27) could not change how they think or feel even if they tried, so for them, it is not worth even worrying about the approbation of the rest of society. So they just go ahead and chase the beautiful and quirky interests that make them happy.

             If people stare at you or make sarcastic comments when they notice you staring at something beautiful, you can throw them off guard by pointing out the beauty to them. The last time someone did this to me, commenting on me picking up fallen branches in a forest, I told them I was a photographer (true), and pointed out the beauty of the colours in the twigs I had gathered. Most people will just leave at this point, and be too scared to say anything more. If you aren’t quite brave enough to confront those who might comment negatively on what you are doing, carry a camera or a pair of binoculars (in the woods) with you. Just don’t use the camera. I will explain why not a bit later in this blog. If anyone asks what you are doing, say you are bird-watching or taking photos.

            Expose yourself to beauty in the form of nature. Find an out-of-the-way spot where you can sit or stand fairly still. If you want to observe wildlife, you will need to wait for at least 15 minutes. It takes that long for the birds and animals to realize that you are not a threat, and to come out of their hiding places. For many of us who are used to a fast-paced life, staying still for even a few minutes can seem extremely boring.  Many times, the reasons people do not see beauty is because they are looking for it at the wrong scale. We look at objects from thir real-life perspective. However, if we stop to admire the objects on a macro level, we may see much more beauty. It is much easier to see beauty when we are not overwhelmed with sensory information. The more cluttered and messy something is the less beautiful.

Compare the landscape scene on the left with the close -up on the right. Which is more beautiful? So, if you can’t find any plants or animals to look at, there is still a lot of nature on a micro level. Go outside on your lunch break and watch the ants carry sand out of cracks in the concrete.

            What happens, however, if you live in the Bronx in New York City, or in a high-rise tower in Hong Kong? Not a load of nature there. If nature doesn’t oblige, stare at the patterns in the concrete, or the shadows cast by familiar objects and buildings. Notice the shapes they make. Notice the texture of the walls of the buildings you pass. Does the texture change from building to building? Notice the shapes, textures and patterns of people’s clothing. Beauty is found in patterns, and noticing patterns is an HSP’s Superpower. Read books for photographers and artists e.g. how to observe ,  https://www.amazon.com/Photography-Art-Seeing-Perception-Workshop/dp/1554079802.  

            Expose yourself to the best aesthetic products that you can afford, whether that be excellent food, fine perfume, great music, classic art, or great literature, video or film. If you don’t have access to a museum, art gallery, or an excellent library where you live, music, art and literature are all available online. By the “best”, I’m referring to classics that have stood the test of time, or prize-winners. Be aware that being on a Top 10 books or songs list just means that many people have read or listened to something. It doesn’t guarantee quality. There is an old meme that says “Have you heard the one about the man who stopped in front of a restaurant and said, “This must be a good eating place. Fifty million flies can’t be wrong?” Award-winning works of beauty (art, music, literature etc. ) are given awards because they are examples of creative works put together in a way to best showcase their beauty. Accessing these creative products does not have to be expensive.  If you search classic photography or fine art, on the internet you will find many examples. You can search “prize-winning” or “award-winning” books to find the best in literature.

            With respect to excellent food, you don’t need to find an expensive restaurant to experience discriminating taste. You can make your own haute cuisine i.e. food made using high-quality fresh, preferably seasonal, ingredients   Preparing haute cuisine is simply the old-fashioned notion of making quality food from scratch. So, exposing yourself to amazing tastes can be as close as taking the time to cook from scratch at home, and shopping for ingredients at your nearest farmer’s market. If you are on a more modest budget than 5 star restaurants will allow, ethnic restaurants often serve phenomenal home-made food. Finally, when you are cooking, don’t become a victim to a recipe. Add herbs, spices, butter, and salt a pinch at a time ,and taste as you cook in order to see how each addition of ingredients changes the flavour. Don’t worry about making something that will be amazing to eat. At first, just experiment with different amounts of ingredients. You can also experiment by substituting ingredients. Think about how each ingredient will change the final recipe.

            If you are feeling brave, move to a more beautiful environment. Find someplace smaller, with closer contact to nature, ideally a place where you can access nature just by going outside your door. If you are not squeamish about the deceased, living near a cemetery can provide a ready-made aesthetic experience. Cemeteries are quiet, often full of trees and they have private areas where you can observe nature. Additionally, gravestones and mausoleums are often very beautiful in their own right.

            Don’t wait till your children are “older” and “can appreciate it” to expose them to beauty. Children are born with a network of nerve fibers that is more connected  than that of adults, allowing them to take in more information and make more unique connections between concepts than adults. Consequently, they are more susceptible to beauty than you are!

            There are many exercises that can help us focus our attention in order to be more mindful about sensory input. The raisin exercise is a prime example. This exercise asks us to observe a raisin with our senses, really taking the time to see, hear, feel, smell and taste the raisin. You can find more mindfulness exercises at https://www.pocketmindfulness.com/6-mindfulness-exercises-you-can-try-today/ (There are many different kinds of mindfulness exercises in these links. For Chasing Beauty, focus on the ones that help you see, hear, taste, feel and smell). For example, mindful listening asks us to choose a music track that you have never heard before. Try not to get drawn into judging the music by its genre, title or artist name before it has begun. Instead, ignore any labels and neutrally allow yourself to get lost in the journey of sound for the duration of the song. Explore the song by listening to the dynamics of each instrument. Separate each sound in your mind and analyze each one by one. Hone in on the vocals: the sound of the voice, its range and tones. If there is more than one voice, separate them out.

            No matter where you are Chasing Beauty, leave your phone at home. Constantly checking your electronic devices is the antithesis of being mindful because it takes your attention away from the moment. Taking photos requires mastering the technology to do so. Fiddling with the settings, or even just situating the phone so you get a nice photo will take your attention away from just observing. Your own eye can isolate specific parts of a macro-scale scene as well as the best camera.

            All of these strategies will help you with Chasing Beauty. By doing so, you will retain the wide-eyed innocence of a child seeing something for the first time. …. And what better way to look at life than with the wonder and awe of a child.

            Love, Dr. Jadzia

HSP Linked to Sensitivity to Medication

Unraveling the Link Between High Sensitivity and Medication Sensitivity

You, a Highly Sensitive Person ( HSP ), have an appointment with your family doctor. As soon as the doctor writes you a prescription for a medication, you become very anxious. You know that, based on your past history, this medication will most likely cause an Adverse Drug Reaction (ADR). According to the World Health Organization, an Adverse Drug Reaction is a response to a medicine which is harmful and unintended. Adverse drug reactions also tend to happen at normal doses and during normal use. This means that you could be taking a medication like you should and still experience a bad reaction. In the past, you have found that your illness symptoms usually improve after you use just half of the normally prescribed dose of most medications. However, you are worried about halving your dose. The pharmacist’s instructions specifically stated that breaking open a capsule of medication could affect how it was absorbed by your body.

In a ground-breaking series of studies, my colleagues and I have unveiled a significant association between Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS), the term used for HSP in the academic research, and medication sensitivity. The studies shed light on the intricate interplay between individual traits and responses to medication. These findings have far-reaching implications for the field of personalized and precision medicine, where the focus is on identifying which approaches will be effective for which patients based on genetic, environmental, and lifestyle factors.

The studies, conducted by a team led by Dr. Arthur Aron of Stony Brook University in New York, offer a pioneering exploration into the relationship between SPS—a temperament trait characterized by heightened reactivity to environmental stimuli—and individual differences in medication sensitivity. The findings, published on Jan 16, 2024, in Frontiers in Psychology, mark a significant contribution to the understanding of how medication affects individuals with high sensory processing sensitivity. In an era where personalized medicine is gaining prominence, these discoveries pave the way for more targeted and effective treatment strategies, not only for HSPs, but for anyone who may have genetic or metabolic sensitivity, whether inborn or acquired e.g. stroke survivors.

The researchers employed a meticulous methodology across three distinct studies, involving diverse participant groups, differing in age and gender distribution, from university samples and online platforms. Participants completed questionnaires including the standard Highly Sensitive Person ( HSP ) Scale to assess SPS, a medication sensitivity scale, as well as a scale to assess negative emotionality (NA).

In all three studies, the higher a study participant’s HSP score the more intense their reactions to medications, providing valuable insights for the prescription and administration of medication in clinical settings. This relationship between SPS and medication sensitivity remained the same for both men and women. Specifically, the results establish that the higher a study participant’s HSP scale score, the more intense were their reactions to medication, i.e. their agreement with statements such as “I usually have stronger reactions to medicines than most people.”  This pattern remained the same for adverse drug reactions. Specifically, the higher a study participant’s HSP scale score, the more likely they were to agree with the statement “I have had bad reaction to medicines in the past.”  Participants with higher HSP scale scores were also more likely to agree that “Even very small amounts of medicine can upset my body.” Such intense reactions to small amounts of medication suggest that individuals high in SPS may receive the same benefit from a low dose of medication as a less-sensitive individual receives from a typically recommended dose.

The study not only identifies increased sensitivity to medication in individuals high in SPS but also offers insights into tailoring medication approaches for highly sensitive individuals in general. Specifically, SPS might be important to investigate in future research and practice when considering medication dosage, medication effectiveness, and adverse drug reactions. Study findings mark a pivotal step toward more personalized and effective medical interventions. Beyond its primary role in understanding individual differences in sensory processing, the HSP scale exhibits promising potential for screening all patients for medication sensitivity, thereby enhancing patient safety and care. 

According to Jadzia Jagiellowicz, Phd, first author of the study, a possible future scenario would be one where an individual could be triaged for SPS even before seeing their doctor. Depending on their HSP Scale score, the doctor would know to prescribe a smaller dose of medication than was typically recommended.

 If you learned something from the blog above, please share it with anyone you think might benefit!

If you have physical symptoms that you find distressing, or would like help with common Highly Sensitive Person issues ( overwhelm, boundary setting, burnout, anxiety, depression ), feel free to contact me for a free 20-min consultation to discuss your issue and see if my services are a good fit for you.

How To Make Decisions without Stress

An American adult makes 35,000 decisions a day. “Neuroscientists tell us that our brains are at risk of decision fatigue--every decision we make, large or small, taxes our brain function even if we're not aware of it. This drains our energy to the point we start making poor decisions.

However, we can save some of this energy by making important decisions first, working in a space free of distractions, automating routine decisions like what we wear and eat, and not regretting our decisions.

Making Decisions Without Stress

Making important decisions first

A famous psychological theory states that Decision making depletes a person’s energy. Thus, it may be best to make the most important decisions as early as possible each day.

Whether it is a tough phone call, hard project, or another difficult task, making important decisions early in the day may help prevent decision fatigue. If you are an HSP who has physical symptoms, or is not in the best place mentally at the beginning of the day, then make the most important decisions when you are feeling physically or mentally the best.

Removing distractions

Choosing to look at a cell phone, browse social media, or glance at the television may drain your willpower for tasks later in the day. Work in a room that doesn’t have these items. Work in a room where you cannot see your kitchen, or any tasks that remain to be done. Removing these distractions may help a person reduce this fatigue and engage with the tasks at hand.

Automate routine decisions

Some people reduce decision fatigue by simplifying routine choices such as wardrobe, instead wearing a similar outfit each day. Making a meal plan and preparing meals for the week in advance can help reduce decision making pressure in the moment.

Take exercise breaks

For most HSPs , exercise is better than a rest break. Exercise that demands total concentration (racquet sports like squash, aerobic class), or makes you mindful of your surroundings (walk in nature) is best. Buy a locker at a gym, and keep your workout clothes there, so you don’t have to decide what clothes to bring every day.

Live without regret

Research states that people who feel in control of their decisions are less stressed about making them.

Each decision means deciding for something and against something else. Ask yourself “Will this have a big impact on my life 10 years from now?” If not, then it is a trivial decision, and either choice would have been fine.

Accept the fact that you have decided on one alternative, that you made the best decision with the information you had at the time, and that every decision will have some negative consequences, which you will just need to put up with.

Also, change may have some disadvantages. So you are allowed to keep things the same. Keeping things the same is also a decision.

If you would like to explore ways to make decisions without stress and live without regret, I can help. I have developed an entire program called TRIE (Technique to Reduce the Intensity of Emotions). You can contact me for a complimentary 20-min consultation.

Please share this with your friends and family. Help them live a stress free life.

All my warmest wishes ,

Jadzia Jagiellowicz PhD (Social/Health Psychology)

You Can’t Do It All For the Holidays!

You Can’t Do It All For the Holidays

Holiday Coping Tips

We, as highly sensitive people are more motivated by avoiding negative experiences than we are by gaining positive experiences. Thus we can often end up doing anything to avoid other’s judging us.  

Especially with Christmas approaching, we feel societal pressure to make everything perfect, the decorations, the food, keeping all the social commitments.

Then we become overstimulated, exhausted, grumpy and eventually, no good for anything

Think about it. What is the purpose of Christmas? I’m assuming most people will answer ‘To spend time with people you love’. Take your answer to this question and focus on that, and that alone. So, if spending time with your loved ones is important, you don’t want to be at the stove or serving while everyone else is relaxing with a drink. One solution, as a busy professor once told me is to ‘Throw money at it.” Order the food. Spend the time you’ve saved visiting with friends. If you don’t have the money, make the meal a family pot-luck.

Ask visitors to help with the serving and clean-up ‘You can’t do it all.’ Nor should you. Many of the expectations us highly sensitive people are feeling are not really the expectations of those around us. They are expectations that we’ve made for ourselves because of one time when someone made us feel embarrassed or ashamed of our lack of Christmas preparation.

Give the best gift you can. The gift of your calm, relaxed time!

Holiday Coping Tips

1. Think about why you are giving gifts. What values are you transmitting through the number and cost of the gifts you give? Are they in line with your personal values?

1. Take short breaks between tasks. For example, stop for an herbal tea while waiting for the cookies to bake. Write these breaks into your agenda so that you treat them exactly like a 'required task”.

YOU CAN’T DO IT ALL FOR THE HOLIDAYS

1. Don't want to face the crowds?  On-line shopping saves so much time, and you can arrange for the gifts to be wrapped and delivered

1. Whenever you are feeling like you need to take on more than you are able to or want to, say to yourself “Excessive Responsibility”. Due to our noticing of others’ negative emotions, we “want to make it all better” and take on the responsibility ourselves. We don’t need to. Think about whether you are taking on more than you need to in order to avoid conflict or judgement.

1. Get help! If you can afford it, buy some of the food instead of making it. Or make the meal a pot-luck. Some people belong to cookie exchanges, where they bake a large number of one type of cookie and exchange them for other types.

1. Have no expectations. If you expect others to act a certain way, you may be disappointed. Family traditions are nice to have, but people’s circumstances change. Not everyone may be able to do what they have always done. What does it mean to you to follow this tradition? Is it a sign of love, a sign of security, etc.?

1. If you are having trouble being flexible, think about why. Can you excuse what people are doing? Can you think of a reason they might want/feel they need to do things this way? Can you re-interpret the new way people are acting, without jumping to a negative conclusion?

Are HSPs Selfish and Narcissistic?

Are HSPs selfish & narcissistic?

It depends…..

Many of my clients have been badly hurt by being labelled as “narcissistic” or “selfish” due to behaviors that, upon deeper inspection, reveal a completely different story. In many cases the extreme sensitivity of highly sensitive individuals to both physical sensations and to intensely emotional situations can lead them into a state of overwhelm where they can only think about their own bodily sensations and negative emotions.

Narcissism can exist as a personality trait in varying degrees within the general population. When these traits become extreme and impair a person's ability to function and relate to others, it may be diagnosed as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

As a personality trait, narcissism refers to a characteristic pattern of behaviors, attitudes, and feelings.  The main characteristics of a narcissist are excessive self-love, a need for admiration, and lack of empathy for others. Narcissism is divided into two main types: insecure and grandiose narcissism. Insecure narcissism involves feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and a constant need for validation and attention from others. Grandiose narcissism is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a strong desire for power and success, and a tendency to exploit or disregard others' feelings to achieve personal goals.

People with narcissistic personality traits may exhibit some or all of these behaviors but, according to the American Psychiatric Association (1), less than 6.3% met the clinical criteria for a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a diagnosed mental disorder. People with NPD often have a sense of entitlement, seek excessive attention and admiration, and can be exploitative or arrogant. In the case of diagnosed NPD, the behaviors, attitudes and feelings are so severe that individuals with the disorder have major difficulty functioning in daily life and relationships.

HSPs have a unique sensitivity to physical sensations, ones that might go unnoticed by less sensitive individuals. Imagine a world where ordinary things—like loud noises, strong tastes, or bright lights—overwhelm your experience. For HSPs, these sensations can cause discomfort or distraction, making it tough to focus on those around them. Their empathic radar is highly tuned to subtle emotional cues, enabling them to notice nuances others miss. Something as simple as a faint frown, hardly noticeable to most, can set off a storm of thoughts and feelings in an HSP, often mistaken as someone being upset with them.

It's vital to realize that what appears as selfishness or self-centeredness in HSPs might be an unintended outcome of their heightened sensitivity, not a deliberate disregard for others' feelings. Indeed, their empathic nature often makes them so aware of others’ emotional states that they are unable to focus on anything other than their own discomfort.

When we explore Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs), it becomes clear that their distinct qualities go beyond just sensitivity to sensory and emotional experiences. Recent research using brain scanning techniques has revealed intriguing dynamics within the brains of HSPs. They exhibit  many connections between the nerves in their default mode network. The default mode network is a network of connected brain areas, together responsible for self-generated behaviours such as planning for the future, and contemplating life goals (Andrews-Hanna, 2014). The abundance of connections in the default mode network can a lead to a continuous stream of thoughts focused on oneself. This constant inner dialogue might inadvertently overshadow interactions with others, resulting in misunderstandings of perceived selfishness.

Think about a friend who genuinely tries to connect but tends to dominate conversations with their own plans and disappointments. Researchers suggest that individuals with a highly active default mode network might find their internal thoughts overpowering, inadvertently taking center stage over external interactions.

Contributing factors that experts believe may play a role in the development of Narcissistic Personality Disorder include excessive pampering or neglect, overvaluation or devaluation by caregivers, excessive criticism or lack of boundaries during upbringing, as well as high parental control and inconsistent parenting practices may influence the development of narcissistic traits.  (2)(3).  

The following is my hypothesis of how parental fears manifesting as controlling behavior could lead a highly sensitive parent to perceive their sensitive child as “narcissistic” or “selfish.”

Since high sensitivity is inherited, at least one parent of an HSP is also highly sensitive. Highly sensitive parents find parenting more difficult. When parenting an adolescent, HSP parents are more controlling and more psychologically intrusive, and more anxiously attached (concerned that people, including possibly their child, may not love them). A parent who is very worried about their adolescent’s behavior, yet at the same time concerned that their child may not love them enough, could easily interpret the adolescent’s wanting to stay out late as a sign of disrespect, “selfishness” or “narcissism”.

A controlling parent, especially one whose control is inconsistent, can contribute to vulnerable narcissism i.e. feelings of inadequacy that the child tries to overcome by acting as if they are superior to others. One possible reaction of a child to being controlled is to try and take back control (4). In this way, a controlled child can become a controlling parent themselves, and the cycle continues on down through the generations.

Understanding the origins, complexities, and interactions at play in the relationships between HSPs and the rest of the world is pivotal in nurturing understanding and breaking the cycle of perceiving HSPs as “selfish” and “narcissistic”.

 I’d love to hear what you think. Let me know in the comments below.

(1)   American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.).

(2)   Sedikides, C. (2021). In search of narcissus. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 25(1), 67-80.

(3)   Horton, R. S. (2011). Parenting as a cause of narcissism: Empirical support for psychodynamic and social learning theories. The handbook of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder: Theoretical approaches, empirical findings, and treatments, 181-190.

(4)   Horton, R. S., & Tritch, T. (2014). Clarifying the links between grandiose narcissism and parenting. The Journal of Psychology, 148(2), 133-143.

Authenticity for HSPs

It all began thirty years ago with a three-legged white llama on the back roads of the Bas St. Laurent, the south shore of the St. Lawrence River. At the time, the area was a poor, agricultural sibling to the chic north shore ski hills and chalets.

On a photographic safari, my friends and I were drawn to the llama and its tall black poodle companion. While leaning on their wooden corral, a towering man, resembling a James Bond villain, appeared, gold teeth and all. We braced ourselves to be aggressively warned off the property, but his response surprised us.

"His name is Blanco," he said, "He was born with a bent leg. His mother wouldn't nurse him, so we took him in, and our dog Negro became his best friend."

He invited us to see more animals, leading us through rustic barns filled with the scent of hay and warm animals. In the last pen, pink piglets squirmed over each other, squealing.

"Do you raise them for food?" we asked, expecting the usual answer.

"Absolutely not," he replied in horror. He hugged himself to emphasize his meaning as he said, “pour l’amitié (for companionship). “We could never kill any of our animals,” he shuddered.

We Highly Sensitive People ( HSP ) need authenticity like we need air to breathe. In this blog post, I'll explore why authenticity is a cherished quality among HSPs and how and where to find authenticity.

The Authentic Nature of HSPs

One of the defining characteristics of HSPs is their inherent authenticity. Unlike less sensitive individuals who tend to filter their thoughts and emotions, HSPs often approach people with the openness of a trusted friend. They speak their minds, revealing their true selves, even when sometimes they wish they had not.

This unfiltered honesty can be both a strength and a vulnerability. Less sensitive people may misinterpret this authenticity as gullibility, take the information an HSP shares, and use it for their own benefit.

Empathy and Authenticity

HSPs are also known for their heightened empathy. Their brains show greater activation in areas like the insula when exposed to emotional stimuli, reflecting a deep capacity to feel their own feelings, which makes them more sensitive to the feelings of others.

HSPs often assume that others feel the same intensity of emotions as they do, which leads them to offer assistance and support more readily. However, this can be misunderstood by those who are less empathic, leading to perceptions that HSPs are weak, or ‘people-pleasers’.

Finding Authentic Connections

Connecting with authentic people is essential for maintaining emotional well-being. So where, and how, do you find authentic individuals? Authenticity tends to disappear in competitive environments. In environments requiring cooperation authenticity thrives, as there is no advantage in wielding power over others. Being open and transparent in these settings is not only a virtue but a necessity for survival.

Environments in which people need to cooperate to achieve a greater task, or defeat a greater foe r, tend to nurture authenticity and transparency. It has been my observation that careers that involve cooperating with your neighbours to overcome natural obstacles, e.g. farming, fishing, logging, or herding, breed authenticity.  The less wealthy also tend to be more authentic than individuals with more advantages, perhaps because they need the support of their neighbours and friends.

To find authentic individuals, consider the following strategies:

1. Live in a rural or isolated area: Rural and isolated environments tend to foster authenticity, as individuals here often rely on each other for support and survival.

2. Connect with authentic people: Build relationships with individuals who cooperate with others. For example, individuals who work on the land, such as farmers, loggers, wine-growers, forest rangers, herders, etc. are more likely to appreciate authenticity.

3. Connect with individuals who love and/or preserve nature, such as hikers, or back-country canoeists.  Research into authenticity found that it was related to feeling connected to nature. For example, research has shown that a training program in the remote wilderness increased authentic leadership. There are many organizations that work towards preservation of nature and the environment, including the Sierra Club.

3. Individuals who are disadvantaged, whether due to poverty, physical disability, frailty, or circumstance are often more authentic, because they need to cooperate with their friends, family and neighbours in order to thrive. If you don’t know any such people, volunteer at organizations such as nursing homes, immigrant-aid organizations, food banks, hospitals etc.

Protecting Yourself as an HSP

To protect yourself from inauthentic individuals, consider the following strategies:

1.     Recognize differences in empathy.

a.     Just because you perceive someone as being in great pain, doesn’t mean they feel actually feel the pain to the same extent. You do not need to take excessive responsibility for others.

b.     Understand that not everyone experiences emotions as intensely as you do, thus not everyone will be as empathic as you are. If someone is not empathic to your difficulties, they aren’t necessarily a selfish person. They may simply not perceive your experience as being as important as you do.

3.     Avoid, or set very clear boundaries with, individuals who prefer to act from a power mind-set and do not nurture reciprocal relationships. Learn to protect yourself by setting boundaries and using phrases like "I don't feel comfortable doing that."

In conclusion, authenticity is a precious quality among highly sensitive people. While it may be misunderstood by less sensitive individuals, it is a strength that can lead to deep and meaningful connections with others who appreciate the genuine nature of HSPs. By understanding the value of authenticity and taking steps to protect yourself in various environments, you can thrive as a highly sensitive person.

If you would like to find out how you can live your most authentic life, please contact me at www.highlysensitivesociety.com to book a complimentary consultation about my services. I’m happy to help.

People-Pleasing

Spend time in your happy place.

Photo by Joel Holland on Unsplash.

Ah, the dog days of summer. It is the period between early July and early September when the hot sultry weather of summer usually occurs in the northern hemisphere. It is a time for lying in a meadow full of flowers staring up at the clouds. Yet I would bet that very few HSPs have spent any time recently just lazing around. Summer is the best time for it. The pace of work generally slows down. Most people are on holiday, but not us. So why not?

Many HSPs carry the following belief from childhood:

  I have to please other people in order to be loved/accepted.

Was being accepted as a child dependent on doing what your caregiver(s) wanted?

Were you always the “good” child, the “smart one”, the “responsible one”?

Did your parents need you to be that child?

As Highly Sensitive Persons ( HSPs ), our empathy leads us to notice and feel others’ emotions as if they were our own. It is called “inclusion of other in the self” and happens most intensely with those people to whom we are the closest. When we were very young, our very survival depended on pleasing our caregivers. As very observant HSP children, we noticed every expression of displeasure from our parents. We learned to please very quickly, and we stored that in our memories very intensely. So now, we have a very firmly rooted template for how to act around people that are important to us. We spend our time pleasing others and not ourselves. It leaves us burned out and resentful, and at risk of serious illness. Our memory still thinks we are totally helpless and dependent. It doesn’t realize time has gone by since this template was originally stored.

When your memory plays this trick on you, you can tell yourself ….

That was then and this is now.

 To help you see the difference between then and now, make a list of all the things people you try to please provide you with. Perhaps your list includes Money, Love and Attention.

Now make a list of how you have/can provide these things for yourself. Perhaps your list includes…

Money (have you traded oodles of money for an amount that gives you the freedom to be true to your values)

Self-Love (can you be proud of your strengths, e.g. your ability to self-reflect )

Attention (can you pay attention to yourself through self-care)

You may notice that you are perfectly capable of providing yourself with the things you truly need. You may not have as much money, as much love, or as much attention as you would like, but that is another issue.

Now take some of the time you have devoted to people-pleasing, and enjoy an entire day to yourself!

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If you would like to stop people-pleasing, I offer a free one-time virtual chat to help us get to know each other and see how I can help.

Staying Healthy as a Highly Sensitive Person

Highly sensitive people are more reactive physiologically, that is, their body systems are more reactive to stress. Thus, they can have highly sensitive person health issues related to chronic stress.

Chronic stress occurs when someone doesn’t feel in control of their environment and this feeling lasts across many types of situations and over an extended period of time. That is, an annoying situation occurs, but the individual either doesn't have the skills to deal with it, or, despite knowing how to deal with it, the situation doesn't change. For example, chronic stress can come with having to deal with being bullied at school, or sexually harassed at work, or just having to fight morning traffic each day. Many people have little control over being bullied or harassed, since these may be ignored or denied when they are reported. There is also little one can do about traffic. Research indicates that people in positions with a lot of responsibility but also with a lot a control eg. school principals, felt much less stressed than those with a lot of responsibility but little or no control eg. teachers.


Chronic stressors result in a chronically up-regulated immune system, that is, an immune system which is always in attack mode. As part of its attack, the immune system has a response known as inflammation. Inflammation is characterized by redness, swelling, heat, and pain. Chronic inflammation leads to the destruction of cells and thus bodily tissue. A chronically stressed immune system also releases a hormone called cortisol (not cortisone, which is a drug). Cortisol is related to memory problems.

Medical Conditions Linked to an Overactive Immune System

There is a large body of literature on the relationship between cortisol, a chemical produced by the body under conditions of chronic stress, and problems with working memory. Working memory is the type of memory you may have for a phone number the first time you hear it. Unless you repeat the phone number, you won't remember it 10 min. later. Individuals with Working memory difficulties would not even remember the phone number long enough to remember that they need to repeat it or write it down. Problems with working memory can manifest in the following fashion: the individual remembers to do something, and on their way to do it, forgets what it was they wanted to do.

Inflammation breaks down the cell membrane between the blood circulation system and the brain cells, allowing immune system cells to enter the brain. Research suggests that this is a factor in the development of depression

The immune system cells attack the cells of the body, resulting in immune system disorders such as arthritis. Research suggests that fibromyalgia/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome may also result from the body’s immune system attacking the cells of the body. Indeed, the pain and fatigue of Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) map on to a number of symptoms of an immune response.
Chronic inflammation can eventually cause several diseases and conditions including some cancers, and heart attacks.

Solutions for Highly Sensitive Health Issues

1. Spend time in the woods every day. It must be a woods, not just a park or a green area.

2. Exercise regularly. The endorphins produced by exercise counteract the pain associated with inflammation.

3. Cuddle a loved one or a pet. A brain chemical called oxcytocin is released when you bond with a loved one. If you don’t have a loved one or a pet, spend time bonding at an animal shelter, or a pet shop.

4. Sing. Opening your mouth to sing allows more oxygen to get to your cells. Oxygenated cells are less stressed. l

5. Learn skills to help you feel more in control. These can include emotional-regulation skills, and communication skills to help you express yourself assertively, but not aggressively. Find a professional to help you who has  the knowledge to understand the way highly sensitive people think and feel.

6. If you are not too overwhelmed, join a group that advocates for change. For example, even just posting a story on #MeToo has helped a lot of women feel that they have people who understand and support them, and allowed them to stand up to their current or past abusers.


If you have any questions about this blog, or just about HSPs, feel free to contact me at https://www.highlysensitivesociety.com I offer a free 20 min. first-time consultation to help us both decide whether life coaching can help:-).